It's dark, I can see lights but they're dancing around me like I'm under water. I must be swimming, the water is cool against my skin. I feel weightless, and happy. Whatever has been bothering me in the back of my mind seems so far away. There's nothing to upset me here. No worries, no responsibilities, no pain. But I'm alone. I try to look around more but there's nothing. I turn my body around and around looking for any other signs of someone but I don't see anything. Eventually I feel a sort of longing, I'm missing something. I felt happy a bit ago, but now I feel sad. What am I missing, should someone be with me?

"Mommy...." What was that? I turn my head quickly, looking around more but I don't see anyone with me here.

"Mommy" I hear again, I know that voice. My heart recognizes that call and starts beating faster. Why can't I see anyone?

"Larkin," I try to turn and see behind me but it's hard.

"Larkin baby please," I finally look up since there's nothing down here where I am. Above me it's brighter, the light has more room to dance, I start trying to swim that way but my arms won't move, they feel like tree trunks weighing me down here. I try harder, pushing them to reach up and pull me through the water and I start making some progress. Ok I can do this, the water around me is getting even lighter now. I pump my arms even harder trying to find the surface. I can still hear the voices above me but everything is mixing together now. It's getting brighter and brighter until I'm so close it's blinding me. I try to close my eyes as hard as I can until I feel something soft and warm on my cheek, blinking. I open my eyes and a blurry face is in front of me. I concentrate on focusing and I make out Chris' face smiling at me, his eyes are red and he has dark circles under them. He leans over me and kisses my forehead letting out a deep breath.

"Thank God," he murmurs softly so only I hear. He inhales my scent and tucks his face next to mine.

"What happened?" I tried to ask but it came out scratchy due to my sahara dry throat. He grabs a styrofoam cup of water and holds the straw to my lips helping me to sip.

"The placenta detached while we were getting dried off, they had to do an emergency c section. That was 2 days ago, we almost lost you both," he whispers to me. Movement on the other side of the bed catches my eye and I shift my head slightly to see. Blinking again I'm sure I'm mistaken when I see my dad sitting there.

"Hey kiddo," he says, reaching out and squeezing my leg. He looks good, I haven't seen him since Noah was born 5 years ago.

"Hi dad," I mustered back with a small smile. Reaching my hand up gingerly to my stomach I know immediately I'm no longer pregnant.

"Where's Vivienne?" I asked, setting my eyes on Chris. Searching his face for any hint of an answer before he even opens his mouth. He takes a deep breath before answering me and I can feel the tears start forming. Please let her be ok.

"She's in the NICU, she's ok now but it was touch and go for a bit during her delivery."

"I want to see her," I demanded.

"You will babe, as soon as we can we will get you down there to see her, she's just one floor below us," he replies stroking my hair. For the next 2 hours my dad, Chris and I try to catch up while I wait to be allowed to see her. The nurses have come and gone and now I just need Dr. Voss to sign off on me leaving my bed.

"Who is ready to meet her daughter?" Dr Voss says finally coming into my room.

"Lets see how you're doing and get you down stairs," He continues smiling at me. He checks my vitals and asks me some questions. He wants to see me standing but we will work on walking a bit later. 

Once I show him I'm strong enough he signs some papers and says he will send a nurse to transport me. Once I have all the red tape cut I'm in a wheelchair and heading down to see her. Entering the NICU is more scary than I thought, there's a tedious process of sanitizing before you go inside, she's in a plastic case with tons of wires and tubes wrapped around her. 

Finally laying my eyes on her, she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. With soft wispy brown hair and the prettiest chubby cheeks and little perfect nose, I wonder what color eyes she has? They let me reach in and hold her tiny hand, she only weighs 6 lbs which is actually a good weight for being a little premature, but she wasn't breathing when she was born and she was cut off from oxygen rich blood for part of her delivery. They explain that they are running some tests to make sure all her systems are working correctly but she has been a shining star so far and she's already breathing without assistance. 

My dad is watching through a window in the hallway with tears on his face, Chris is with me and he explains that the boys have seen her through the window as well, they don't allow little kids in here so they will have to wait to really meet her until she's a little stronger. I caress her soft skin and take in everything I can about her, from her tiny fingernails to her perfect eyelashes laying on her cheeks. I can't wait until I can hold her in my arms. Tears form in the corner of my eyes and begin to fall one at a time.

This isn't fair, she shouldn't have to start her life like this, she should have been born surrounded by people who love her and I should have been the first to hold her. I don't even think she has been cuddled yet. I cry harder. Chris grabs my other hand and kisses my head. I lean into him and take a deep breath.

After our visit with her I'm wheeled back up to my room to rest, my dad shares with me his plan for the next few days while in town. He's going to stay with Ms Racheal, Mr Bob, and the boys for the time and help with our upcoming move. While I'm sad we aren't closer I am happy his stay is open ended until we can get settled into the new place.

"Tomorrow Mr Bob and I are taking the boys to an aquarium so Ms Racheal can be here, she's had them since I got in town yesterday." My dad tells me excitedly. I'm happy for Connor and Noah to have this time to get to know him, the postcards he sends ensures they know who he is but they don't really know him. 

Looking at Chris a little closer back in my bed I notice that one of those dark circles under his eyes looks more like a bruise?

"Chris what happened to your eye?" He looks at me then to my dad sitting across from him, they share a nod then he turns back to me.

"Eric punched me, after I punched him in the jaw." Say what now? I raised my eyebrows at him.

"A lot has happened in the last couple of days, Larkin." he says, sighing. I continued to stare at him waiting for him to go on.

"Eric is still listed as your emergency contact, when they needed to give you a blood transfusion and the baby wasn't breathing they had to call him down here.”